votw ii.26: Put Your Head On My Shoulder

No seas maje!

After a wee hiatus, I am back, babes, and I am crankier than ever. Watch out, world, there’s a sourpuss Alfred comin’ to getcha, and he ain’t none too happy about the Iran-Contra affair.

So what’s going on in your lives, sweeties? All’s well, I hope? Well, you know what they say, it’s better to have clapped and lost than never to have clapped at all. I think they were referring to a taping of Sabado Gigante. I wanted to get a job there, seeing as how I now have the minimum credentials to do so, and I’ve been watching Don Francisco effeminately hit on women (including my mom*) my entire lifespan. However, Alex, a friend of mine who works at Univision, told me about a hiring freeze, and tried as I might to force my way onto the premises, I could not get my name on the roster. C’mon, a lowly P.A.! Hell, I even had a recommendation from the aunt of the president of the network! Surely, nepotism must count for something in this crazy world.

But now things look brighter. I’m not gonna divulge for fear of jinxing it, so this is me, not divulging — lest I should jinx it.

*My mom went on the show and won some thousands. My uncle went on the show and won some nothing.

So did y’all watch The Dark Knight yet? (You’da thunk I’da gotten over the cape and cowl by now — and I did.) Terrific film, no? I still wanna catch it on IMAX. I had a dream where I went to see it in IMAX with my dad. The quality was terrible. Never let my dreams stand in the way of an otherwise outstanding picture.

I think it’s time for Alfredeus’ Reader Mail! Here’s the mail, it never fails! It makes me wanna wag my tail! When it comes, I wanna wail, MAAAAAIIIILLLL!!!!!!

This first one comes to us from VanillaSilly:

Hi! First time reader, longtime correspondent. I was just wondering, who did you take to the prom?

Thanks, VanillaSilly, for asking such a thought-provoking question. My prom was like any other. Tux, dancing (including the patented Fishing Rod-cum-Sprinkler maneuver), hateful longing for the little bewildered girl. (Restlessness is in our genes…) It was more of a sitcom than I care to admit, capped off by a long walk along Bayside and anxious sleep. Thanks for reopening those old wounds, you harlot. This next one comes to us from CraxyCat:

Alfred, you always seem so tense. Do you ever think about drinking green tea?

Do I ever think about it? No. Here’s a message from tinytink:

Where do you get off badmouthing my sister?

Hm, it seems that one of my personal MySpace messages has found its way onto Alfredeus’ Reader Mail. And your sister deserves it, toots. Here’s one from ElGranChorizero:

Dale, Alfredo, vamos pa’ la playa!

To the beach? Sure, why not? I’ll hit dat up. (Yeah, a lot of my correspondence comes from close personal friends requesting to spend money.) CutieFever89 says…

Hey there, big man. Feeling lonely tonight? Well, I have just the party to get rid of your worries. Ooh, baby, come a little close. I wanna whisper it to you…If a train leaves Boston at 8:00 PM, and another train leaves New York at 8:30 PM, and they’re traveling at the same speed of 88 MPH along the same train tracks, how long before we get this all-night party started?

Approximately 47 seconds. Here’s AndyTheDandy:

You owe us a lot of money, you little freak.

And YOU owe US a lot of comped meals! This next one is from GeorgiaBaby01:

What are your thoughts on the current political climate?

Excellent question, GB01. People always ask me, “Alfred, when are you going to pay us back?” And I always respond, “Wouldn’t you rather know who I’m going to vote for?” And they just punch me a little. Anyway, I think Israel deserves a trustworthy leader who can guide that fragile state into the next decade. (That one’s gonna be a doozy.) I say let Jerry Seinfeld take over the reins. Here’s a message from Carol:

Alfred, wanna come chill at my house? I’ll buy Doritos!

No, Lorac, I do not. It’s Tuesday and you’ve got schoolwork. Also, you know how I am with Doritos. It’s an obscene love affair of orange fingers and passionate love-making. Guess we’re all like that with Doritos. Maybe this weekend, cousin. “Good girl” Jo asks:

What’s the deal with spider monkeys? Haha awww.

I don’t know. The same deal as Corn Nuts and Big H. And here’s another one from tinytink…

You’re kinda cute. Cutiesezwat?

This guy is getting on my nerves. Can’t any of the propositions be legit? What I wouldn’t do for a ravenous mob of groupies! Here’s ClandestineDestined:

What was the last thing you ate?

A white Tic-Tac. Anything else?

Have you ever had sex in hyperspace?

What the — ? How does this person know that that is one of my all-time favorite quotes from a book? Get out of my head! Get out of my head! And now, a word from our sponsors:

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I don’t know why you would have to give such a steep deposit, or why an online service would be looked up in your local Yellow Pages, but that’s Corporate America for ya!

Here’s a line from DirtySexyComrade:

Seriously, man, I think we need to pay those guys their money. They sound scary.

Scary! I don’t even know the meaning of “defecating in my pantaloons”! Jeannie writes:

Didn’t I know you in middle school?

No, but I knew you in middle school. Siiigh. TitiElMafioso, all the way from Topher’s house, asks:

Where’s my toy?

I already gave you your danged toy, you little git, and you lost all of the accessories! Some gratitude from a cigar-chomping three-year-old, huh, folks? Here’s a message from my brother:

I dreamt the girl I was kissing turned into you.

Marvellous. We were probably in that IMAX theater, too. -_- What lousy letters…Next time, fans, a simple hello — no death threats, no ambiguous sexuality, no c-blocking — will do. Also, go ahead and ask me about my business. I dare ya.

That’s just swell. So let’s get on with Video of the Week already. I read the Watchmen graphic novel recently (spectacularly coming to a theater near you in March), and I wanted a video that mirrored the gritty realism depicted in that literate work. That a-ha music video is “There’s Never A Forever Thing.”

One of a-ha’s loveliest arias, “There’s Never A Forever Thing” is a simply orchestrated composition about solace after loss, as told by Morten’s shimmering vocals. Not even three minutes long, it’s the band’s shortest music video (ironic, given the title). The story behind the song is just as heart-breaking as its execution — Paul Waaktaar wrote it for his beloved Lauren, who was grieving the death of a family member. Wipe your tear at such songs of faith and devotion. :(

Too bad the music video is what it is. I think this is the first time I watched the whole thing without getting fed up. Since it was her song, I guess Lauren, as the director, could have done anything she wanted with it. In an epoch in the band’s history littered with synchronized swimming and sailors playing footie at the World Trade Center (tandem bikes!), I guess the only way to counterbalance the ice cream spectacle of the Stay On These Roads album was by focusing on a sobering image of the homeless. I believe that’s why this promo clip was a straight-to-video dealie…

Anyway, here are a-ha with “There’s Never A Forever Thing.” Minus a-ha.

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~ by Alfredeus on August 1, 2008.

2 Responses to “votw ii.26: Put Your Head On My Shoulder”

  1. you know the clapping was never about sabado gigante, since you’re the one that made up the phrase anyway. i love that you sing the mail song, i’ve been trying to muster up the courage to wait for the mail man by the mail box to serenade him. last thing, i don’t appreciate the quotation marks on good girl, as they make it seem like maybe i’m not. and i’m certainly not a good girl a la jennifer aniston in “the good girl”, so, fix that. haha.

  2. The question still begs to be answered. “Acere cuando vamos pa’ la playa?’ For real though. I was thinking this weekend, possibly Saturday. I need to tan my freshly shaven head. Sos es un chilindrufo!

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