votw ii.12: Go See A Star War

So you’ve looked to me as your newest moderator over at Cold As Stone, eh? Good…good

Do not see me as your Emperor Palpatine (yet), but rather your everyday old Grand Moff Tarkin. His hubris may have have gotten him blowed up and away! when the first Death Star went kaput (by that rapscallion Luke Skywalker, who never did own up to his crime of killing one million people), but I rather think of him as the grandfatherly governor who felt Alderaan needed to be shown a lesson.

What evil did Moffy do, anyway?

It could be said that Alderaan was shooting at the Death Star.

Being a Grand Moff means that one is outranked by the likes of Darth Vader and the Emperor, and if Lucas hadn’t offed him like Boba Fett, I’m sure Tarkin would have ruled the galaxy at some point. Anyway, in the Family Guy special, “Blue Harvest,” the Grand Moff is portrayed by Mayor Adam West, who is voiced by the real Adam West. Doesn’t Batman Classic inspire some grain of faith?

I told you lovable despots were possible.

People of Alderaan, I could have easily named myself Jabba the Hutt. What would that mean for you? Mostly, slave outfits. How about me, Boss Nass, and you, the Gungan waste? *Shivers* Better still, I could have been See-Threepio to your Ewoks. You like that, hm? Being Ewoks? C-3PO is cool and all, but I’d rather be R2-D2. He was like the silent observer of the entire saga. Little git, you’d think he would’ve spoken up at some point to tell Luke that he served Anakin Skywalker, or tell Threepio that they were chums from way back when the droid was prepubescent.

Then again, I would never want to relive Jake Lloyd (“Are you an angel?”), Padme’s wooden acting (“Anakin, you’re breaking my heart!”), Anakin’s “angst” (“I hate Obi-Wan!”), or Jar-Jar Binks (“Mesa bad stereotype ruin movie bombad”) again. That dirty robot must be smarter than we originally processed.

Remember 1999? I lost my innocence then.

So don’t be too quick to judge those who destroy entire planets. I mean, who died in that explosion, anyway? Bail Organa? Please, if I wanted to see Jimmy Smits, I would have ordered pizza. Besides giving Obi-Wan Kenobi a stomach virus, Alderaan was a meaningless speck in the glorious Galaxy Far, Far Away. I mean, Leia was both Senator and Princess of the friken’ place, and she barely grimaced. If she cared so little about her home planet, family and friends, why should you care so much? I’m sure it was nowhere near as nice as Naboo.

Awesome, that’s settled. I shall henceforth be a Star Wars reference and you shall be same ol’ Cold As Stone, where Bith music is only good when they cover “Take On Me.”

(Just be thankful I only stuck to the lore found in the six theatrical movies of the Star Wars saga — soon to be seven, what with the release of the animated movie this August. I could have easily ventured forth into the dizzying Expanded Universe, which posits the founders of hyperspace seemingly millions of years ago, as well as Boba Fett’s survival inside the Sarlaac pit, or that time Luke became the cloned/reborn Emperor’s evil disciple, or the stickiness of Han and Leia’s kids — Jacen Solo, also known as Darth Caedus, ends up killing Mara Jade Skywalker, Luke’s wife, but this is only after Chewbacca and Anakin Solo’s deaths; it is up to Jacen’s twin sister, Jaina Solo, to deal with the post-post-post-post-post-Return of the Jedi threat.)

Naturally, the only music video that can possibly contend with all that is Savoy’s “Star.” [EDIT: I just realized how the lyrics of the song could pertain to me, on a subconscious level, in terms of everything written in this particular blog. You know, the whole “And if I ask you ask you out, I know you won’t come” bit could be a result of all my “knowledge” that dates back to my tweenage years (ages 10, 11, and 12), and the personality therefrom. Verily, “I go crazy with the way you are — you’re such a star, baby” is a line of blind idolatry, which, of course, gets payed for with negligence and an empty bed, something I know nothing about. Curse you, 1977!]

Don’t look at me like that. I know “Minor Earth Major Sky” would have made a lick of sense. I’m not stupid, baby.

And now, random images of what’s been mentioned! Remember, scoring is possible at Cold As Stone!

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~ by Alfredeus on April 9, 2008.

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